Navigating the Abyss: My Journey Through Burnout.

Exactly a year ago today, I was a full-time academic, pulling an all-nighter to complete two presentations for an upcoming conference in Melbourne. While I’m actually great at giving presentations (so I have been told), I find them arduous, stressful, and generally unenjoyable. This is largely due to my perfectionist nature; I obsess over the slightest nuances in phrasing, and whether the images on my slide are 1mm too far to the right, and whether I can possibly prepare enough for the curly questions that academics love to ask at conferences. But of course, this was one of the most prestigious conferences in my field of research, a great opportunity for my CV, so I could not miss it. But deep down, I was absolutely dreading it.

To make matters worse, I was running on 1HP at the time. I was completely exhausted and depleted from months (arguably years) of overworking myself and adopting unsustainable work habits. At that point, working 7 days a week was my normal; I had no concept of a healthy work-life balance. I had been averaging 4 hours of severely disrupted sleep each night, for more than five months already. I was churning through relentless cycles of being physically unwell, marginally well, then physically unwell again. However, due to pressing back-to-back deadlines, there was no time to rest. I couldn’t possibly take time to rest, right? There was a constant stream of grants waiting to be submitted, a manuscript to peer review, a list of research participants who needed to be called, and an amazing team I was responsible for that I couldn’t let down.

I was truly holding on by sheer willpower. My body and mind were on the brink of collapse. I was at breaking point.

The Warning Signs of Burnout.

In hindsight, early signs of job-related burnout were present for months, arguably years, in my life leading up to my point of crisis. These signs were gradually building over time like a pressure cooker, but I missed them. Or rather, I actively chose to ignore them. For me, these early signs included:

• Emotional symptoms: irritability, feelings of overwhelm, detachment from work and colleagues, persistent anxiety or hopelessness, constantly describing my baseline emotional state as “feeling very stressed”.
• Behavioural symptoms: decreased productivity and performance, social withdrawal, procrastination.
• Cognitive symptoms: difficulty concentrating, memory issues.
• Attitude changes: cynicism, lack of motivation.

Of course, there are many other signs of job-related burnout. Burnout can look differently for everyone. Have you ever experienced these symptoms?

By choosing to overlook and dismiss my warning signs as mere aspects of the early-career academic experience, I inadvertently allowed my stress to consume me. Eventually, the deepest state of my burnout manifested in the following ways:

• Emotional Dysregulation: I became extremely irritable and volatile, struggling to control my emotions both inside and outside of work. Particularly to loved ones, I would say hurtful things that were completely out of character for me. Even the slightest inconveniences would send me into a state of anxiety (more than usual, at least).
• Hair loss (one of many symptoms of chronic severe stress): I was losing large chunks of hair daily. It reached a point where I developed an irrational fear of washing and brushing my hair. With my wedding only six months away, this only created an even greater sense of hopelessness. Every strand that fell seemed like a reminder of how deeply stress had taken its toll on me, and I feared I could never reverse it.
• Loss of Appetite: Most days, I would only eat my first meal around 4 or 5 PM. Mostly, it was because I wasn’t hungry, but I also made excuses, telling myself I was too busy to eat. I rationalised skipping meals, thinking it would help me be more productive, but deep down, it was just another sign of my deteriorating mental health.
• Insomnia: I found it incredibly hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. This was partly due to revenge bedtime procrastination: I would work until 12-1 AM most nights and then stay up later to unwind with Netflix before actually going to bed around 2 to 3 AM. The other part was because I experienced vivid nightmares every night—every single night. So, I was afraid to sleep, fearing what awaited me in my dreams. It felt like I was trapped in a cycle of exhaustion, unable to escape.
• Chronic Fatigue: It’s no surprise that with poor eating habits and lack of sleep, I was constantly feeling exhausted. I was operating in a state of conservation, and I had no energy to go to the gym or enjoy social activities.
• Depression: I gradually slipped into a state of depression, particularly as I began to lose my sense of agency. During the darkest days, I grappled with thoughts of passive ideation.
• Cognitive Fatigue: As I sank deeper into my state of burnout, I simply lost the ability to think. It was like a thick fog was strangling my brain, and even basic tasks—like ordering food at a restaurant or sending a simple email at work—required every ounce of cognitive effort and concentration. I often found myself zoning out mid-conversation, struggling to keep up with what was happening around me. As someone accustomed to operating at 200%, helplessly watching my cognitive abilities decline felt like seeing pieces of my identity slip through my fingers.
• Depersonalisation: As the burnout intensified, I felt like I was operating on autopilot—like the lights were on, but nobody was home. It was as though I was watching myself from outside my body, moving through life in a simulation. This sense of detachment left me feeling disconnected from people and purpose, and as I yielded to it, I spiraled into an unsettling existential crisis. It felt like I was drifting further from my own reality, questioning who I was and why any of it mattered.

If you take anything away from my experiences, just remember this:

Listen to your body, prioritise your mental health, and embrace active rest; no job is worth the deterioration of your health.

Thankfully, I am doing much better these days.

My journey out of severe burnout has been challenging, to say the least, and I am still grappling with the lingering effects a year later. However, through all the darkness, there has been a silver lining: deeper relationships, renewed hope, a stronger sense of self from reconnecting with my inner child, and, most importantly, the restoration of my faith.

More on my journey of recovery from burnout soon. But what I will say is that to recover from burnout, you must be able to discover the root causes of it. Only then can you rebuild a strong foundation in which you can nurture your well-being and allow for a more sustainable path forward.