An Internal Conflict of Expression

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with a deep, unnameable sense of frustration. Then, last week, I stumbled across a quote: “Cursed are those who feel oceans but can express just a drop.” It was as if someone had peered right into my soul, and in that moment, all the tension melted away.

I am someone who feels, thinks, and lives with a depth that stretches beyond the physical world, and so often, I struggle to capture the intensity of my inner world. I grapple with bridging the gap between my inner and outer worlds and find myself feeling misunderstood, left with a sense of isolation and unnerving silence.

A few months ago, I returned from the most awe-inspiring honeymoon hiking through the Swiss and Italian Alps. Yet all I could utter when I returned from seeing some of the most majestic landscapes to exist on earth was that they were ‘incredible, breathtaking, amazing.’ I could not eloquently express the depth of the emotions I felt nor the profound beauty of it all. Consequently, I felt as though I was betraying the sacredness of my experience.

For weeks, I felt trapped inside my mind. How do I describe that, as I listened to the powerful rush of the river, it felt as though my soul was enveloped with an ethereal sense of peace… drawn to a holy place where all the fragmented parts of me united as one? How do I express that as I gazed upon those towering, ancient mountains, I was transported into the presence of the divine—a vast and eternal presence that stilled my soul and filled me with a profound sense of wonder.

Last week, I attended a concert of a musician I adore. As tears fell, I sang the songs that had once cradled me through my darkest days, and an overwhelming wave of emotions swept over me. How could I capture the warmth that travelled through my veins, as the sweet melodies permeated the hidden corners of my soul and mind? How could I describe the sensation of neurons dancing in my brain, perfectly in tune with the vibrations of the guitar strings? How could I convey the vibrant hues that swirled in my mind, as each note painted new landscapes—like I was both feeling and seeing sound itself, a symphony of colour pulsing in time with my heartbeat?

Reading this quote helped to unravel much of the tension within me, leaving me to ponder: How can I expect others to truly understand me if I haven’t made the effort to understand myself and cultivate the tools to express myself fully?

Exploring New Ways to Unite My Inner and Outer Worlds

In an effort to resolve this internal divide, I recently started reading Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. The book describes the intricacies of human emotion and connection, and it has opened my eyes to how language shapes the way we experience the world. In particular, I adored this quote from the book: “The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” This realisation has motivated me to be more intentional about understanding the spectrum of human emotions and expanding my vocabulary. Something new that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed is exploring words in languages beyond English, ones that seem to encapsulate complex emotions and experiences with a depth and precision that often eludes translation.

Unexpectedly, I’ve also developed a newfound appreciation for poetry. To my surprise, it has opened new doors to understanding both myself and the world around me, allowing me to honour my experiences and acknowledge the vastness of my inner world. In its verses, I feel heard and seen by those who, like me, feel oceans.

I have also set a new intention to revisit my interest in photography and videography—something I’ve dabbled in intermittently over time, particularly when I travel, but have never fully immersed myself in. While words are a powerful vehicle for human expression, there are other ways to capture and communicate the essence of our experiences—ways that words alone cannot fully reach.

Setting An Expectation of No Expectations

As I’ve embraced this journey, I’ve come to realise that perfectionism is not a criterion for self-expression. This process is about allowing myself to grow, to stumble, and to explore the depths of my emotions without judgment or expectation. The journey is simply a way for my inner and outer worlds to align and to connect with the essence of who I am. So even if I still cannot eloquently capture everything I feel, that is okay. I can keep what else remains to myself, protecting it like a precious treasure—too sacred and delicate to expose, a part of me only I can ever fathom or behold.